a vestige of thought...

I've been kind of... unsettled for the past couple of days. I believe it comes from thinking to hard and trying to hard to understand things that I just can't. I'm trying to figure out just what exactly I need to know about how God works. Is it just important to know the facts, or is it more important to know the why of the facts? What should I seek to understand and what should I just take on faith? I'm certainly better at taking things on faith. In many cases I feel that I don't really care why, but that somehow I ought to. I start to read about things, and then I start to think about them or try to write about them. Usually I end up just going crazily in circles and getting nowhere at all. And there are so many different view points that if I finally do agree with something, chances are I'm wrong.

I asked someone a question a few days ago and I got a reply that basically said, "You're just a teenager, so don't worry about stuff like that." But, I wonder, doesn't that mean I'll have to worry about it later? Why put it off? Why shouldn't I be able to understand stuff now?

I have found one thing that is particularly encouraging. I have been re-reading many of the things I wrote as a freshman. I had so many questions then that I didn't think could be answered, and yet now, only three years later, I have satisfactory answers to many of them. Maybe in another three years I'll have answers to this year's questions.

I am learning that sometimes we ask questions and Jesus says (as he did to Peter), "What is that to you? You must follow me."

176. journaling
177. work tonight
178. Aslan (and The Chronicles of Narnia in general. How did I manage to make it this far in life without reading them?)
179. reading late into the night
180. the poetry books I got at Half Price Books

Why hello, Christy, how was work today?
Fine, thank you, except for the part where I smashed my (right) hand in the swinging door and nearly passed out. That was, uh, exciting. I don't even understand why I nearly passed out, for, while it hurt like the dickens, it didn't seem a faint-inducing kind of pain. Still, we know the injury must not have been too bad, for here I am typing about it. Oh, and they weren't playing Christmas music!

I'm off to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail with my dad. He got it for Christmas, and I've never seen the whole thing.

172. movie nights
173. staying-up-late-reading-nights
174. Night in general
175. Songs/poems about nighttime.

I'm working this evening. What are the chances that they will have stopped playing Christmas music at the mall? Slim, I imagine. If I remember correctly, they played it until New Year's last year. If there is one "politically incorrect" thing that I wish the crazies would go after, it's Christmas music at the mall. Certainly there is no music that even remotely references that offensive child who had the nerve to be born in Bethlehem and then become significant enough for over 90% of Americans (not to mention the millions of people world wide) to celebrate his birth. I find Christmas music without Christ to be offensive, but who listens to Christians?

I read an article not long ago that named the "true meaning of Christmas" as nostalgia. For the American mainstream I think someone has finally- and unfortunately- named the 'truth.' And what do I know? Perhaps for someone "It Must Have Been the Mistletoe" triggers warm fuzzies instead of the gag reflex.

My parents claim that my wrist problems are from typing too much. I hold this to be false. However, they got me "wrist pillows" for the keyboard and mouse for Christmas. Apparently this is humorous. Har har.

My final fish died this morning. It lasted a pretty long time for a fish. I got five of them in March of 2004. One died each week for the first three weeks that I had them, the the other two lived long and happy fish lives. One died two or three weeks ago and the other, obviously, this morning. It had some sort of odd fungus growing on it. Yuck. I rather miss watching the little guys, though.

Christmas break (or any break from regular routine), while quite enjoyable, is generally bad for me. I stayed up until 2:00 last night (a rare luxury), but (as fate would have it) woke up at 8:30. I certainly could have gone back to sleep, but some part of my cruel conscience convinced me that to sleep all day is a horrible waste of time and I ought to get up. So I got up around 9:15 and have tried to be productive today. I'm just about to go clean my room. Honest, I am. (Please ignore the fact that I'm still wearing pajama pants).

167. World Magazine
168. movie soundtracks
169. Half-Price Books
170. Hershey's Symphony bars. Anything that combines chocolate with musical words get major cool points in my book.
171.

Reading: Prince Caspian
Listening to: a mix of the new cds I bought at Borders today

It's rather amazing how well my dad's side of the family gets along. My family spent the whole day over at my grandma's house today having a fantastic time. We opened gifts, made our annual trip to Borders, and played 'Apples to Apples' for several hours. Fun times.

In the past two hours I have read nearly all of Prince Caspian. My sister gave me the Cronicles of Narnia for Christmas and I plan to read them all over break. It seems that won't be too much of a challange, but a very enjoyable read.

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

I finished my white fuzzy scarf today. It's perhaps a bit uneven (I kept picking up stitches and then getting rid of them again), but I'm quite pleased with it. I've never actually completed a knitting project, though I've started many.

I suppose I ought to go to bed. Breaks like this from school are bad for my good (ha) sleeping habits.

162. My cousins
163. Reading fast
164. The hours of early morning
165. Book stores
166. Coffee shops in book stores (and especially the smells of coffee and books when put together)

I hope that your Christmas has been happy and stress-free and I pray that you have been filled with the hope and joy that the birth of Christ brings. What a wonderful God we have! I am, as ever, completely blown away by his grace. By now we are all familiar with the idea and so our amazement is lessened, but who would have imagined that God, infinitely huge and beyond comprehension, would choose to come to our earth wrapped in the package of a human infant? The more I try to understand the more awe-filled I become. Wow.

154. The white fuzzy scarf I'm knitting
155. The fantastic Christmas Eve service at NMPC yesterday. It was completely amazing beyond words.
156. Playing "Apples to Apples" with my family
157. My family in general
158. The feeling that I get after all the presents have been opened and my whole family is sitting in the living room surrounded by wrapping paper and boxes and love.
159. Black BIC pens. I got about a million of them for Christmas.
160. Going over to the Gates's on Christmas Eve after the church service
161. The Pride and Prejudice soundtrack.

Scott bought that Nickelback song from iTunes and I've had it stuck in my head almost continually since then. It's a good song.

I'm not sure whether it is Blogger or just my computer that has bee preventing me from posting here for the past couple of days. I shall now try again with a shortened description of my past few days.

Since returning home from Windy Gap, I have been struck with an unpleasant cold. It is nearly healed now, but yesterday and the day before it behaved quite oddly. I continually felt the need to sneeze, but the sneeze did not come. Instead, my nose would itch and my left eye would water like mad. This was not a problem when I was at home and could easily grab a tissue. However, yesterday morning I had to run up to Jo Ann Fabric's. I was still in my pj's (yellowish lounge pants and a hoodie with my hair thrown back in a ponytail and my glasses on) as I did not want to change an extra time before putting in my uniform for work. I figured I would run in, run out, and not see anyone I knew. It is not terribly uncommon for me to run errands in my pj's in the morning. However, when two girls I know (not terribly well, but well enough to say 'hi' and chat for a moment) walked into Jo Ann's, I was in my pj's with one red, swollen eye, tear stains on my left cheek and a red, runny nose. I imagine I was quite a sight to behold. I waved and ducked out, thoroughly embarrassed.

I love my job. I certainly do not want to spend longer than necessary working in fast food, but for the time being, I enjoy it very much. Except for yesterday. Yesterday sucked. But that's over and done with. Today was great fun. Paula cracks me up. Many people know (and some people don't, but will now) that I have an extremely sensitive and ticklish waist. Some have even made poking me in the side a sport to see how high they can make me jump. I have not been poked in quite a while and had rather forgotten about this sport. I was simply bagging food, lost in my own little world, when Paula came up behind me and pinched me on both sides. I'm not sure if she was aware of my potential reaction, but I leaped about five feet in the air and screeched, very nearly throwing hot fries into her face. Paula and I both then dissolved into laughter and had quite a bit of difficulty regaining seriousness. The moral of the story: don't poke Christy in the side when she's holding hot food.

There is a Jewish guy that Paula knows who works at the "moving picture" kiosk near the food court. Many people asked him why he wore a Santa hat if he was Jewish. Here's why:
Santa hats make people relaxed and happy. Relaxed and happy people like to buy crap. People who buy crap are what secure my job." I guess that solves the mystery of why people spend hundreds of dollars on silly "moving pictures:" it's the Santa hats.

Today I was bagging, again in my own little world, and I began whistling "Winter Wonderland." Suddenly it dawned on me: I was whistling "Winter Wonderland" and it sounded like "Winter Wonderland!" I have not whistled anything recognizable in years.

I finished reading through the entire Bible today. That was my New Year's resolution for 2005 and probably the first one I have ever kept. Hooray.

Happy Christmas Eve Eve.

I was only supposed to have to wear the brace through last Wednesday. I started taking it off for short periods of time and then gradually longer and longer times. The good news is: when I'm wearing the brace, my wrist doesn't hurt. The bad news is: when I take the brace off and actually do normal things with my hands (like writing for a long time or cutting lemons at work) it hurts worse than before. So I probably have to go back to the doctor in about a week (unless it miraculously heals before then) to get it x-rayed. Joy and a pickle. I would be going back earlier, but my doctor is on vacation. So... more time of not playing violin or writing much. Maybe someone should just shoot me. :P

Though it sometimes feels like God has taken away my ability to do just about everything that I'm good at, people (and quite a wide variety of people) keep telling me that God is going to use this time to teach me something. Well, God, I'm listening.

At least I can read. I plan to do a lot of that over Christmas break. And I can type. Depending on when I get my laptop and how long I have wrist troubles, I may switch to typing my journal entries for a time.

*being positive, being positive, being positive*

I went to Festival of Lights tonight. It made me sad, because it wasn't nearly as good as I remember. But I got to watch a puppet show where dancing marshmallows used creative methods to jump into a mug of hot chocolate. It was moderately amusing. :)

See Windy Gap pictures (with commentary) here.

Windy Gap is a fantastic way for people to be introduced to Christ for the first time. Please pray that those people who need to hear it will be open and receptive to the speaker's message.

Specifically, please pray for Dina, Sarah, and David.

Thanks and have a fantastic weekend!

149. Windy Gap!
150. Disposable cameras
151. My awesome light packing job
152. The word fantastic
153. My crazy New Mexico pants

As hard as I try, intelligent thought is escaping me tonight. When I attempt to think, a little voice in my head keeps saying, "WINDY GAP IS TOMORROW! WINDY GAP IS TOMORROW! WINDY GAP IS TOMORROW!" And then another, more practical voice in my head starts saying, "YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE YOU LEAVE! Get yourself off that chair and go do something!" And then I say, "Just 10 more minutes! Pleeeeeeze?" I did, after all, spend nearly an hour and a half trying to get my stupidly stupid computer to connect to the internet this evening.

144. My cat is insane (but funny)
145. Target gift cards that I won at work
146. The down-filled blanket that I bought with my Target gift cards
147. WINDY GAP!
148. I'm starting journal #28

or 'Why My Utmost for His Highest is just about the coolest book in the world.'

So many Christian books and/or devotionals are either full of self-centered spirituality or are completely cheesy. I love My Utmost because it is about learning to rid ourselves of ourselves and become completely under the control of Christ and completely like Christ. Christ is everything. He is not a comfortable God, and neither is this a comfortable book.

Here are a sprinkling of thoughts from the book:

"Sanctification means being made one with jesus so that the disposition that ruled Him will rule us."

"As long as we try to serve two ends, ourselves and God, there is preplexity."

"Individuality counterfeits personality as lust counterfeits love... Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality."
*I've written quite a bit about the devotions from December 11&12, which is where these quotes are from. Perhaps I shall post them sometime.

"Sanctification means more than deliverance from sin, it means the deliberate commitment of myself whom God has saved to God, and that I do not care what it costs."

"Every saint can have his body under absolute control for God. God has made us to have government over all the temple fo the Holy Spirit, over imaginations and affections."

"Everything that does not partake of the nature of virtue is the enemy of virtue in me."

"Our Lord was not a recluse nor an ascetic, He did not cut Himself off from society, but He was inwardly disconnected all the time... We are to be in the world but not of it; to be disconnected fundamentally, not externally... We have deliberately to determine to be interested only in that in which God is interested. The way to solve perplexing problems is to ask- Is this the kind of thing in which Jesus Christ is interested, or the kind of thing in which the spirit that is the antipode of Jesus is interested?"

"We lose power if we do not concentrate on the right thing... The proclaiming of Jesus will do its own work... If I talk my own talk, it is of no more importance to you than your talk is to me; but if I talk the truth of God, you will meet it again and so will I."

"God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings."

"The Sermon on the Mount is not a set of rules and regulations: it is a statement of the life we will life when the Holy Spirit is getting His way with us."

"Routine is God's way of saving us between our times of inspiration."

"Experience is only a gateway by which salvation comes into our concious life."

"Restate to yourself what you believe, then do away with as much of it as possible, and get back to the bedrock of the Cross of Christ."



O Come, let us adore Him!

132. Windy Gap on Friday!
133. I won the mugs at the leadership Christmas party. It was a hard-fought battle.
134. 'Charlie' is leaving in time for Windy Gap. :D
135. Brandae got accepted early decision to Miami! Congratulations Bran!
136. My stalker at Learning Tree finally decided that I'm too old for him (4 years actual age difference, probably 15 years in maturity level) and has gotten himself a girlfriend who hopefully appreciates him more than I do. I about died laughing (inwardly, of course) when he started talking about her in class.
137. Laura made a pen in woodshop for Christmas. That made my day! I love pens.
138. Andrea's snowflake cookies
139. SIC/P1's/Imitators/WE NEED A NAME! But I love you girls dearly. :)
140. I'm typint *gasp* without a wrist brace!
141. I get to play violin tomorrow!
142. I was out of tea, which is bad, but I went to the store and bought more, which is good
143. My job (amazingly enough)

This is rather amusing.

It would take 78.5 shots of Espresso to kill me. Or about 131 cups of Irish Breakfast Tea. Or 98 cans of Red Bull. Or 191.5 cans of Dr. Pepper.

And if you get tired of pop, you can kill yourself with candy bars.

I like Hershey Kisses, but I'd better stop before I eat 7848.75 of them. 1,962 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups would also finish me.

I like using book titles, or parts of book titles, as blog titles. Actually, for all the hype, I didn't much enjoy The Purpose Driven Life. But then, there are very few recently written Christian living books that I don't find to be nauseating. ...Once again, I have started out on a topic completely unrelated to what I intended to say. Let me try again (in a hopefully organized manner).

Apparently I have a "thing" for life purposes. I hadn't thought about it until it was pointed out to me today, but I've discovered that purpose has become a theme in many of my writings, especially in my journal. Though I never realized it before, I have little sympathy or tolerance for people who are not making the most of their lives. A person with purpose does not have to be making millions, searching for cancer cures, writing the next Pulitzer winning novel or saving orphans in China. They must, however, have a good reason to get up in the morning.

I have seen people in all walks of life living with and without purpose. Take, for example, "lifers" at fast food restaurants. Before I started working at Chick-Fil-A I was under the impression that all lifers were people who had more or less given up on existence. In some cases this is true. I work with a girl from a [relatively] stable home life who wanted her own apartment, wanted to own everything money could by and didn't want to think hard enough to finish high school. So she dropped out and now works full time at Chick-Fil-A and part time at another store to support her "dream" lifestyle. Every time I work I hear about the emptiness that this life of pleasure gives her. Now, at 20, she's pretty much given up hope of doing anything with her future besides frying chicken and going to night clubs. The only reason she gets out of bed in the morning is so that she can make enough money to give her a temporary spending high and pay for a bed to fall into at the end of the long, meaningless day.

On the other hand, there are plenty of fast food lifers who live with purpose. One of my managers has been in fast food for as long as anyone now working there can remember. She's a little pessimistic sometimes, but she has a sense of humor and a family she loves and is proud of and, I believe, enjoys supporting. Certainly there are better circumstances she'd rather be enjoying, but she successfully makes the most of what she's been given. (As a bit of an aside, a few weeks ago this manager, who in spite of herself is often in the 'Christmas spirit,' bought Santa and elf hats for all the employees to go with her own, very humorous, 'bah humbug' hat.)

Ann, a 30-something slightly mentally handicapped woman, is another purposeful person. She has worked part time at Chick-Fil-A for 7 or 8 years and loves it. She has lots of friends and enjoys many non-work activities. (Among other things, I believe she's now a brown belt in Tae-Kwan-Do.) She is always willing to help out and is rarely without a laugh or a smile. Far too many such handicapped persons get stuck in a dead life. While it is unfortunate that Ann is not able to function as well as most people, no one can say that she is purposeless.

A purposeful life has meaning not only for the person living it, but also for others. It is a life with a focus. From a Christian perspective, Christ is the ideal life focus. For others, that focus may be any number of things (fame, money, happiness, etc in whatever specific form such things take on for each person). I would like to point out that purpose does not equal contentment (though that is a topic for another time). In conclusion, all lives with purpose require attention to something beyond oneself. A life that is primarily inward focused is meaningless and leaves a person feeling empty; it is also a life that cannot be beneficial to anyone else.

"What will you do with the time that's left?
Will you live it all with no regrets?
Will they say that you loved till your final breath?
What will you do with the time..."
~The Time That is Left, Mark Schultz

128. My Latin teacher gave me a cool text book today to aid me in my over-achieving. Hehe.
129. Tea, British style
130. My Utmost for His Highest (I know, I've said that one already, but it's worth repeating)
131. The way the air feels so crisp and clean in the winter

123. The ability to write without wrist pain (at least for a page, hopefully more soon)!
124. My church
125. learning new things, like how nifty RSS feeds are
126. I talked to Sheri today! Man, I miss her.
127. Sheri's probably coming to visit over Christmas break!

This afternoon I got out a mug and started heating up water. Lisa says to her friend, "Ah, Christy is having tea." I said, "Actually, I'm having hot chocolate." Lisa replied, "Uh! You can't have hot chocolate! That's against the principles of Christy-ness!"

And then I burned my tongue.

Actually, I don't know what RSS stands for. I don't really know what it is or how it works. I do, however, now know how to use it to my benefit. And I have discovered Google Reader. It is a good thing.

I like to be literary, and I like to be random. Most of the times, these two do not mix. However, Faulkner seems to have mastered the technique of blending the two. According to the critics, anyway. I figured: if Faulkner can be random for a few hundred pages and become famous for it, can't I be random for a few paragraphs and at least reach a greater level of entertainment than, say, watching paint peel, while possibly being literaryish at the same time? This is the kind of entry that Kelly will tell me she gets weak off of. Well, Kelly, I hope you make it over from Xanga-land to read this.

I went to NMPC's coffeehouse for the first time in very many times last night. It lasted until after midnight (though I had to leave at midnight, lest I turn into a pumpkin). I turned my light out at 12:45, well aware of the fact that my alarm was set for 6:47 the next morning. On most nights, I have very little trouble falling asleep. On the night in question, however, I spent many long moments staring at my ceiling (which was very blurry, as I had taken my glasses off) thinking about many things. Amongst these many thoughts was one that went, "I wonder if my life would make a good book?" to which another, strong voiced thought replied, "Certainly not. If your life were that interesting, you wouldn't have time to blog about it."

About 98% of this world is cliche. Of the remaining 2%, 1.5% are unknown and the other 0.5% are getting filthy rich selling books and movies and are well on their way to becoming cliche as well.

Today, December 10, 2005, marks the 8th year anniversary of my first journal entry. To commemorate this momentous occasion, I shall share a few of my journaled [pseudo-] thoughts from my younger days. Any mistakes are left as they were originally written.

April 17, 1998

Dear Journal,
I really have to go

Love,
Christy

October 12, 1999

Dear Journal,
I was in a big rush to get into the shower today because Mom wanted to come into the bathroom to brush her teeth. I was in such a hurry that I forgot to take off my socks! Mom didn't leave until I was almost done with my shower, so I had to take the whole shower with my socks on!

Love,
Christy

I still wonder why it never occurred to me that I could still remove the socks while I was in the shower.

July 19, 2000

Dear Jenn [at some point I gave my journal a name],
This is the last time I will write anything as a twelve-year-old. Nothing in me will really change, except I don't be able to order food off the children's menu anymore (except for Cracker Barrel who's menu is for "kids of all ages.") Maybe if I'm lucky my handwriting will improve, but don't hold your breath. I'm going to go read a little before I turn the light out.

(CMH)

Good news! My handwriting has drastically improved since I was 12!

In my more contemplative moods (which have become more frequent in my more recent journals) I used to write constantly about the futility of words.

November 2, 2001 Jennifer [enough with nicknames, it's Jennifer now],
What a mysterious and wonderful thing joy is! Joy. What a small simple word for a such a huge, beautiful feeling! If the feeling joy brings could be said in one word, it would be so long that it would wrap around the world a million times and still not be good enough. The feeling is undescribable, and I'm just wasting paper and ink trying! Oh! If only I could discover how to truly express that feeling and other feelings my writing would be perfect! I think the writing of teenagers is wonderful and important because the emotions they feel are so real and so different than emotions at any other stage of life. [Granted, I'm still a teenager, but now I'm not so sure that the latter part of this statement is true.] And I think that each person's emotions are unique to themselves [heirself]. The joy that I feel may be different than the joy of my best friend, because I'm living a different life with a different soul and a different set of circumstances.
Do you know what? Writing is a miracle. The ability that we have to put lines and dots and curves on a piece of paper and have them mean something is amazing! Wow!

Love,
Christy

Give me a few years and I'll be laughing at my 2005 entries.

I started work at 8:00 today. I was moderately alert, but remember, I had just spent several sleepless hours pondering. Josh walks in and says, "Man this is going to be a long day." I say, "How long are you working?" He says, "Until three." Me: "So am I. It's not that long." Josh: "Yeahbut- (and yes, that's one word) I'm ti-erd." Me (thinking): "Can I whack you over the head with this large metal spoon I'm holding?"

Old guys are so lame sometimes. Some guy comes up to Chick-Fil-A today, orders a cup of coffee and says, "What did you do to your wrist? Slip on the ice... chasing boys? Guffaw, guffaw" It wouldn't be quite so bad if they didn't laugh at themselves as if they had said something hysterically funny. Me (thinking): "I've still got that metal spoon handy..."

The Smoothie King people make my day.

Saw Pride and Prejudice yesterday. The movie and I have a love/hate relationship. I've yet to fully explore my thoughts in writing. Give me a few days and perhaps another movie viewing and book reading (I'm nearly finished with the book again).

I've got to go to Rohs Street Cafe sometime. With all the people I know (and know of) who have played there, I've still yet to even see the place.

What is it that makes some persons so darn cool?!

My family went out and bought a Christmas tree today. All the trees were short this year. When you buy the tree, the tree-people always cut a bit of the trunk off so it can better absorb water or something. As a result of this, there are little pine tree circles laying around all over the ground. Dad and I both picked some up to put in our cars to make them smell good and later Lisa gave me a cinnamon apple sauce ornament that she made to hang from my rear-view mirror. My car now smells of a mixture of evergreen trees and cinnamon. It's fantastic.

How you know it's way to cold in your house (all of which are happening at my house):
~The butter that you leave on your counter to soften stays just as hard as it was in the refridgerator.
~You take water bottles out of the refridgerator to warm up before you drink them
~Everyone sits around in the evenings burred under sweatshirts and blankets
~You blow a fuse several times a week by forgetting to turn the space heaters off before using the microwave
~You use an unzipped mummy sleeping bag as a blanket on your bed

"Is he- quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous meeting a lion."
"If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their kneew knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?"
"Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."

The End.

Ok, so I'm not Faulkner.

120. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (the book, as I've not yet seen the movie)
121. Seeing Skyro and Saving Souls at Coffeehouse last night
122. Cool people

I want very much to know who decided that dancing around with one's pajamas turned inside out would influence the weather gods (or perhaps the school officials) to render school activities obscolete for a day. I don't know if anyone danced tonight, but as far as I'm concerned, it worked. Finneytown has a 2 hour delay tomorrow and that means no orchestra for me. Hooray!

I had to drive home from Physics today in all the snow. I was pretty darn nervous the whole time, especially when I slid sideways into an intersection (while the light was red) on Kemper. I had pretty much decided to pull over at that point and live in my car until the snow melted. Fortunatley, I didn't do that and I made it home in only 35 minutes. Hooray again.

115. I made it home alive today
116. There's snow outside
117. No orchestra tomorrow
118. The weather people on TV make me laugh.
119. J.S. Bach

111. No orchestra today because 0f the concert last night and no violin lesson this morning due to unfortunate circumstances, but I got to sleep late!
112. It's supposed to snow today. I hope Finneytown has at least an hour delay tomorrow so I don't have to go to orchestra. :P
113. Explaining to Lisa how everything would spontaneously combust if the air were pure oxygen.
114. I'm finished with college applications

I have many friends. I am incredibly blessed to have so many, many friends. Some people who I am now friends with I was not friends with before. Some people I once considered friends I no longer speak to. Some people I have been friends with all along, but they are not the same people that they once were. However, this is mostly irrelevant.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:15, 18

The thing is, I do understand what I do. I know exactly why I do everything. I could list every selfish motive for everything I have ever done. I just cannot stop myself from doing or thinking things. My jealous heart tears me to pieces. Those I talk to say, 'Christy you are silly, for these things are not very bad at all. You are too much of a perfectionist; a goody-good.' But my conscience, prompted (I am certain) by the Holy Spirit, tells me that they are not right. So I fight. I have learned to capture every thought, and I am trying (though often failing) to make them obedient to Christ.

"We demolish arguments and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

But then I look at these many people who are my friends. Especially my Christian friends. Those who are the Body of Christ. Those who should surround one another with love and build each other up, encouraging each person to be all hey can be in Christ. I love them so very dearly. Yet I see them doing things... thinking things... making choices that I do not think are beneficial. These are things that they never thought they would do and probably don't plan to do when they are out of high school and "things matter." I know their motives are selfish. I have had such thoughts and motives myself, but managed (by the grace of God) to prevent them from becoming actions. Seeing people I love making such choices frustrates me immensely! Why do I even bother to fight so hard against temptations of all sorts when no one else seems to? Does no one examine their motives and make sure they line up with what God wants? Further, am I to confront my friends about their actions? Or am I to let them face the consequences and learn in due time? I have no practical knowledge of such situations as they are in. Why should anyone listen to me?

"Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

"If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18

Surely my words of confrontation would not encourage or keep peace. Yet Paul confronted the Corinthians and did not regret it:

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it- I see now that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while- yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance." 2 Corinthians 7:8-9

Who am I, one among the worst of sinners (though perhaps more internally than externally) to confront anyone about doing wrong? Could they not just as easily point my own finger back at me?

Finally, is it possible that what is wrong for me is not wrong for someone else?

***********

Why do people think I am strong? I am not! I am a fool. I am weak, I am broken, I am wretched! Why do people look to me for leadership when I can scarcely find my own way? Surely it is only by the grace of God. Any strength I have is not my own.

Real thought is sorely lacking.

Start with your age and count down (This is actually rather difficult):

18 years of age
17th of December I will be at Windy Gap
16 modules in my Physics book
15 jumping jacks that I just completed
14 is my favorite number
13 songs I've downloaded from iTunes (over the past two months)
12 active buddies on my buddy list
11 songs on a CD I burned a few days ago
10th of December is the day I started keeping a journal 8 years ago
9 times that I have been to Duck, NC (I think)
8 more days of wearing a wrist brace
7 Latin sentences written today
['0]6 is perhaps the best class. (Or perhaps not. I'm willing to debate it.)
5 years that I've been homeschooled
4 cups of tea that I've had today
3 years that I've had my cat
2 GB of space left on my computer (and that's because I just cleared about a GB of stuff off)
1 fish left of the five that I 'rescued' nearly two years ago

109. I can't play violin for a couple of weeks, but I can let my nails grow.
110. I got free tickets to the CSO through BAYSO

I used 'heir' on a Lit paper that I'm actually going to turn in. Bwahaha. I've been trying to decide whether or not I should risk it. Not that it's much of a risk.

107. Taking communion as part of the Body of Christ
108. The feeling that my homework is finished and I did it well

My computer has given up on life. It's clinging to conciousness like a person in a coma. *sigh* And I remember when this hunk of junk was the coolest thing since Swiss cheese.

104. Coming across Xangas of Christians I don't know and being encouraged by how many awesome people God has created and re-created.
105. I'm most likely getting my own computer in about a month
106. peppermint ice cream

My cat is crazy. She is very independent and has quite a mind of her own. This afternoon my aunt (who is allergic to cats and certainly not overly fond of them) came over to meet Mom before they went out someplace. Deb (the aunt) sat down on the couch in our living room and was chatting with my parents when Mia came it. I wasn't present, but apparently Deb visibly stiffened at the sight of her. Mia, who is most often aloof to strangers, then proceeded to jump onto the coffee table next to Aunt Deb and attempt to settle herself on Deb's lap. She was quickly discouraged, but the whole family (minus Deb) found this incredibly amusing. Mia never, ever sits on laps. I can sometimes trick her into it by placing her on my lap while she is asleep and then remaining very still. As soon as she awakens and discovers that she has been hoodwinked, she protests (usually with claws in my legs) and jumps down quickly. Apparently it's true that cats can always pick out the cat-hater in the room. Really, the only time she allows physical contact with humans is when she wants something or the human (and only myself in this circumstance) is asleep.

Mia can be very demanding when she wants something. She's hopelessly spoiled. She walks on the treadmill (with assistance, of course), gets picked up and put on top of the dresser (though she can easily jump up there herself. The food is up there so the older, fatter cat can't get to it) to eat, and usually gets scraps of whatever I have for lunch. The latter is actually somewhat amusing. Mia is rarely vocal (which is probably why she gets her way so often), but before I give her any 'people food' I say, "Mia, say please." She then gives a very cute little, "Mew," and gets her treat.


102. New not-so-ugly Chick-Fil-A uniforms!
103. Sheri mentioning me in her buddy info.

I need to hire a secretary. People could call her up and say, "Is Christy available on such-and-such a day at such-and-such a time?" and she would prevent me from overbooking myself, as I far too often do. "Please call one week in advance. Two weeks notice is needed for activities requiring over $20." I finally told Miss Johnson (the orchestra director) that I'm not going on the Williamsburg trip. With my "extra" $375 (I couldn't get my $75 deposit back) I went Christmas shopping and am paying for Windy Gap (a trip that is much superior to Williamsburg. It's only a day shorter, farther away, much more beautiful, with cooler people and costs $300-350 less!) and am going to see Pride and Prejudice tonight (I'm sure I'd do that anyway, it would just be with Mom's or a friend's money) and Wicked in March and hopefully Phantom of the Opera and A Christmas Carol this month. And saving for my laptop (which I shall probably get in January). Hooray.

A second edition of 101 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. I learned how to sign my name again
2. fleece blankets
3. space heaters
4. Irish Breakfast Tea
5. Chick-Fil-A sweet tea
6. girls nights
7. blank journals
8. My Utmost for His Highest
9. Latin
10. reading my old journals
11. cool coffee/tea mugs
12. Jane Austin
13. Mannheim Stamroller Christmas music
14. Christmas music in general (but not the stuff at the mall)
15. tearing apart Flannery O'Connor
16. getting questions right on Jeopardy!
17. Heather
    
18. waking up to find my cat sleeping curled up next to me (or on top of me, or underneath me)
    
19. snow
20. reading a poem many times and suddenly understanding it
21. black BIC pens
22. fountain pens
23. [controlled] fires
24. sunshine
25. "good" rain
26. driving by myself and singing along with the radio
27. having a cd player in my car
28. having a car
29. the fact that I can still sype easily, even if writing by hand is very difficult
30. old books
31. comments on my blog
32. learning to pronounce DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis
33. musicals
34. black and white photographs
35. hoodies
36. My and Paula's secret 'handshake'
37. iTunes
38. Emmanuel
39. the feeling I get every Monday when co-op is over
40. mi Biblia
41. the 'mint crisps' candy tht the kiosk at the mall gives free samples of
42. crackling leaves
43. Euchre (and Rummy and Nert and Poker, and on and on)
44. never ending Monopoly games
45. fooseball
46. finishing my homework
47. homemade soup
48. cranberry sauce
49. my dictionary
50. Asbury College
51. magnetic poetry
52. "ouchless" hair ties
53. sandpaper cat tongues
54. People who use words that I make up
55. Springdale's Showcase Cinema (even though they changed their name to something weird)
56. the word 'muse'
57. jelly beans
58. people who give me jelly beans
59. fuzzy socks
60. getting letters (yes, snail mail. It's rare these days)
61. NMPC
62. Summer Interns
63. One particular former summer intern who speaks Latin and plays percussion, but never EVER writes me. (That's a hint if you read this, Sheri!)
64. starting a new journal
65. zits that go away quickly
66. the comic "Frazz"
67. not being cold (which is rare these days)
68. Sudoko puzzles
69. doing crossword puzzles with my dad
70. writing poems
71. fancy quasi-coffee drinks from Starbucks
72. Windy Gap
73. Panera
74. sitting by the lake at Winton Woods
75. brightly colored leaves
76. stained glass windows (the real thing)
77. stained glass windows (the dessert that Laura/Laura's mom makes for Christmas Eve)
78. candlelight church services
79. places where you can see a lot of stars
80. the Glasgo's farm
81. waking up and realizing that I don't have to get up yet
82. having time to lie in bed and think at night
83. family gatherings at my grandma Hum's house
84. Peanuts cartoons
85. A Charlie Brown Christmas
86. White Christmas (the movie)
87. my new long underware (I'm going to be the warmest person at Windy Gap)
88. finding money in my pants that I forgot about
89. wearing my elf hat at work
90. daisies and daffodils
91. dangly earrings
92. sledding
93. The Sippie (at Windy Gap)
94. getting packages
95. talking to the funny old lady at the post office
96. eating pizza after not having pizza for a long time
97. buying random things at gas stations while on road trips (glow-in-the-dark fake silly putty anyone?)
98. British spellings
99. Greensleeves when played by a large string orchestra. It's amazing.
100. Barrage
101. Life!
     

Est custos in oppido. Nomen est Marcus. Marcus spectat gladios legatorum et iuglandes puerorum filiorum et puerarum filiarum. Marcus non amat iuglandes, sed viri mali avent multa. Viri mali exspectant noctem occupare iuglandes. Viri terrent Marcum, sic vulnerat viros cum gladis legati. Legati vocant Marcum, sed tacet. Celat et flet. Non parebat legatos et timet. Timet appellant Marcum custodem malum.