a vestige of thought...
Saturday, July 29, 2006
#13 Things to do with Peanut Butter
1. Raise the Titanic: sink hundreds of jars of peanut butter into the sea. Eat out the peanut butter, creating a vacuum. Since a vacuum is lighter than water, you can attach the PB jars to the hulk, and raise it to the surface!
2. Videotape "A day in the life of a jar of peanut butter" (2 and a half hours). See if you can convince anyone that it's an artistic movie. Tell them it pushes our boundaries and makes us think about things from a different perspective. Insist that it's really a tragic movie, because in the end the peanut butter is left to the same fate that we knew all along was inevitable. Say you cried when you filmed the final scene.
3. Write a novel in such a way that it's impossible to determine whether the main character is a sincere old Baptist minister, an elementary-school-age girl with the measles, or a sentient jar of peanut butter, but those are the only possibilities. Apply for a creative prose award.
4. Use it to time your counting so that each number takes about a second. "One, peanut butter, Two, peanut butter, Three, peanut butter, ..."
5. Coat your leaf rake with it so the leaves will stick to it instead of slipping through.
6. Use peanut butter to calm your friends after you start a discussion that not everyone can agree on. Hey, we all agree on peanut butter, right?
7. Sell it in vending machines with little packs of disturbingly orange crackers.
8. Percolate it. Coffee has been dominant for too long, we need a new product...
9. Mmm-Bop: The only Hanson song that can be sung with a mouthful of peanut butter.
10. When you say, "I'll be back in a Jiffy!" at least try to come back in a peanut butter jar.1