a vestige of thought...
Friday, November 04, 2005
Fun, Funner, Funnest
I have long suspected, and it has now been confirmed by several radio personalities, that "fun" size candy bars are just not that fun. Most people I have talked to agree that a larger bar is much more fun than "fun" size bars. Therefore, I have a proposal to make for the benefit of the fun-ness of the American people as well as the pocketbook of candy companies: Why not market the regular sized candy bars as "Fun" size, the smaller bars as "Not-Quite-As-Much-Fun" size, and the large ("King Size") bars as "Definitely-the-Most-Fun" size? If this were the case and I were in mind to buy a candy bar, my thoughts during a trip to the store might go something this:
Where the heck is the office supply aisle? Pasta, canned sauce... no wrong aisle. Who decided we needed a bigger Kroger anyway? I knew where everything was before. Dog food... no. Popcorn... baby stuff... half-off Halloween supplies... wine, no that's too far. Back up. Ah, there are some backpacks. Perhaps they put office/school supplies by the backpacks. Backpacks, posterboard... birthday cake? Why is the birthday cake by the backpacks!? Oh! There we go, school supplies. Black pens, black pens, black pens... There! Five dollars? I'm not spending five dollars on a few pens. Ah ha! Ten black BIC "crystal." $1.39. Excellent. How convenient of them to have put the school supplies right next to the candy aisle. I imagine little children often wander over here and beg their parents for candy. Yum, I love Milky Way Midnight bars. I probably shouldn't buy one... I want to go to Smoothie King before work. Aw, what the heck. Just a little one. There- "Not-Quite-As-Much-Fun"...? Not quite as much fun as what? Oh, as the "Fun" ones. Ha. That's a pretty dumb thing to put on a candy bar. Reach for "Fun" candy bar. What's this? "Definitely-the-Most-Fun." Hehe. Maybe if you're looking for a stomach ache or want to become one of those 1,000lbs people who never leave their house and have to have their doors ripped out of the frame to get them into an 18-wheeler so that they can be transported to the hospital where they have to be put on a bed indented for walruses and put on a strict diet so they can have surgery that will allow them to weigh only 700lbs, but their skin will still be all stretched out and gross... On second thought, maybe I don't want a candy bar after all.
Where the heck is the office supply aisle? Pasta, canned sauce... no wrong aisle. Who decided we needed a bigger Kroger anyway? I knew where everything was before. Dog food... no. Popcorn... baby stuff... half-off Halloween supplies... wine, no that's too far. Back up. Ah, there are some backpacks. Perhaps they put office/school supplies by the backpacks. Backpacks, posterboard... birthday cake? Why is the birthday cake by the backpacks!? Oh! There we go, school supplies. Black pens, black pens, black pens... There! Five dollars? I'm not spending five dollars on a few pens. Ah ha! Ten black BIC "crystal." $1.39. Excellent. How convenient of them to have put the school supplies right next to the candy aisle. I imagine little children often wander over here and beg their parents for candy. Yum, I love Milky Way Midnight bars. I probably shouldn't buy one... I want to go to Smoothie King before work. Aw, what the heck. Just a little one. There- "Not-Quite-As-Much-Fun"...? Not quite as much fun as what? Oh, as the "Fun" ones. Ha. That's a pretty dumb thing to put on a candy bar. Reach for "Fun" candy bar. What's this? "Definitely-the-Most-Fun." Hehe. Maybe if you're looking for a stomach ache or want to become one of those 1,000lbs people who never leave their house and have to have their doors ripped out of the frame to get them into an 18-wheeler so that they can be transported to the hospital where they have to be put on a bed indented for walruses and put on a strict diet so they can have surgery that will allow them to weigh only 700lbs, but their skin will still be all stretched out and gross... On second thought, maybe I don't want a candy bar after all.
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